


Title: How to Civilize Your Nephilim (Just Don't Mistake them for Teenagers)

by candygramme



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:27:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27330445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/candygramme/pseuds/candygramme
Summary: After the fighting was done, and God had agreed to play nice, the brothers still had this big problem...
Comments: 18
Kudos: 21





	Title: How to Civilize Your Nephilim (Just Don't Mistake them for Teenagers)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks always to my beta, spoonlessone.
> 
> Written for the spn_bigpretzel Halloween Microbang of 2020. Inspired by the fabulous art by Kingstoken, called Spell Gone Wrong. See it below.
> 
> I may have borrowed the idea of Angus from Harry Dresden and his pal, Bob.

After God was defeated and promised to behave himself in future, the whole of Team Free Will 2 settled into an (at least temporary!) retirement. It soon began to pall on them, and they began to look for new ways of occupying themselves. Dean settled down to write a recipe book, which he called ‘Fast Food for Heroes’. He was somewhat peeved that Mary — restored yet again by Amara, who was still trying to teach Dean a lesson of some sort — would consistently eat all the bacon and was starting to get fat. 

Castiel had started making curtains and matching duvet covers, etc. with a fabric tastefully adorned with camels and oases. His room was wallpapered with palm trees, and he spent days at a time sitting naked on a silken cushion sucking on a hookah when he wasn’t actually attempting to persuade Rowena to belly dance for him. Sam occasionally joined him to chill out after a heavy day hacking, and Dean had to buy a can of air freshener which he would squirt down the corridor at regular intervals. 

Sam set up a computer repair shop for the townies, and as his fame and abilities grew on all things technological he faced a constant battle with a shadowy government agency that was desperate to recruit him for their covert operations. After a while the team found that they could live quite comfortably on the paychecks that Sam was accruing and no longer needed to rely on credit card fraud. Dean secretly thought that was somehow giving in to ‘the man’, but he did enjoy eating steak all the time, and once he got his still organized in one of the storerooms, with Rowena’s help he was able to create a very tolerable single malt.

Jack, learning and growing, discovered Amazon and started collecting graphic novels.

Jack's comic book (sorry — Graphic Novel!) collection started with Watchmen, and, while it fascinated him, he constantly pissed Dean off by asking why Daddy Winchester was such a horrible man. However, it wasn’t long before he discovered superheroes. He found Superman totally ludicrous, and Batman even more so, but he went about the bunker exclaiming, "Holy socks, Batman" at Dean once he realized that it was irritating. 

Eventually, Sam diverted him with Spiderman, which was a blessed relief, since he found Spiderman eminently credible. We do not talk about his discovery of The Boys, and we will never again mention Soldier Boy's unfortunate sexual encounter with Homelander. Dean pretty nearly swallowed his tongue, although he did allow that the costume was pretty hot! 

The fact that Jack had no idea why Dean was so horrified made Sam feel the need to do something to set Jack on the straight and narrow and maybe censor his reading, and after a long discussion with Rowena, the two of them decided on a spell that would work as a child lock on Jack’s media perusal, a kind of nanny if you will.

The more that Sam thought about it, the more he liked the idea. It would free him up to do more shadowy government work, which would bring in the cash to buy Dean a set of spiffy, fancy hubcaps for Baby. If he worked it right, there would even be money left over to get the rest of his Christmas shopping done before everyone else hit the stores and bought all the good stuff.

So Rowena dug out one of her spell books — Superstes Pseudomonarchia Juventes Daemonum*. She didn’t have anything that specifically targeted Nephilim, but she figured that pretty much all youth were demonic, so it wouldn’t matter. Of course, Hell took up much of her time these days, but she’d been around the block a few times and with Sam to provide the focus for her magic, (that boy was nothing if not focused!) she knew she could cook something up that would stop Jack getting into things he absolutely wasn’t old enough to understand.

Having discussed their plan like the sensible adults they were, they agreed pretty much instantly that they would not mention it to Dean, because it might worry him, and Dean had enough stress to deal with, now that his book was in print and he was presenting his show, ‘The Hunter’s Kitchen’ on the Food Network. Just thinking of the chaos that occurred the previous day as Dean rehearsed _flambé-ing Steak Diane_ using the XL18 flamethrower from the trunk of the Impala was enough to convince them it would be a Bad Idea™. Cass was still hoping that his eyebrows would grow back in time, although the steak had been delicious.

So the two conspirators convened in the library at 10 minutes to midnight on the evening of the full moon — an important requirement for any real spellcasting — and Rowena removed the bust of Cuthbert Sinclair from its pedestal to provide them with a handy place from which to work. Sam got a feeling of impending doom when he saw the bust grit its teeth at him from the corner of his eye as she tossed it into the corner. He concluded that he was short on sleep, which was in fact true, and thought nothing of it as they got ready to perform the spell.

It appeared to go really well. The eye of newt, when added to the other ingredients in the concoction, set the whole thing fizzing, and as Rowena‘s voice rose to a crescendo, white smoke poured out of the brass bowl they were using and spiraled up in a dense column, culminating in what appeared to be a floating skull. The smoke slowly began to dissipate, leaving Sam staring at the thing with a somewhat jaundiced eye.

The skull floated around to study him, and Sam could see that it had little green lights shining from its sockets. He shook his head, and the skull moved forward until it was bone to nose with him. “What’re you lookin’ at?” it hissed, revealing a broad Scottish accent.

“Oh, fuck! It’s a talking head,” snapped Sam, glaring at Rowena as she began packing away her equipment. 

Rowena smiled primly and spoke to the skull. “You’ve been brought here to guide young Jack, our nephilim, and ensure that he only participates in suitable pastimes. Mind what he reads, take care of his choices and make sure that they are good ones. Can ye do that for me?”

“Oh, absolutely! No question. I’ll see him right.” The thing’s voice went syrupy as it spoke to Rowena, and the lights in its eye socket turned from green to purple in an instant as it appeared to devote itself to looking down her cleavage.

“Hey!” Sam called, and when he was ignored, he reached out to clip the thing smartly on the mastoid process. As it turned to see what was going on, he said, “Hey,” again. “What’s your name?”

Rowena took the opportunity to gather her belongings, wrap her cloak round her, snap her fingers and slowly fizzle out on her way back to hell. The skull chattered its jaws together in what appeared to be fury before finally saying, “Angus,” in a sulky voice.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Sam.” He shook his head as if to try and see what was really out there instead of this whatever it was, but when that didn’t work, he sighed. “Come on then. I’ll introduce you to Jack.”

***

At first, things seemed to go very well. Jack took to Angus, and the two began to spend almost all of their time together. It seemed that the pair of them were learning Klingon, and they managed to freak Dean out more than somewhat when Jack looked him in the eye and intoned, _“Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam!”_

After smacking his head on baby’s hood — he was attempting to change her oil at the time — Dean’s response was to feel Jack’s forehead to see if he had a fever and shout for Sam, thinking that the kid had somehow sustained a curse. Angus chattered his mandible a few times in the end to get Dean’s attention and then intoned, “It means ‘today is a good day to die.’ It’s Klingon.”

Dean grimaced, rubbing his own forehead which bore the marks of his encounter with Baby’s metalwork. “You’re not wrong,” he said. “And now seems like a good time, if you don’t push off and quit bugging me.”

It was a couple of days after that, that Sam caught them watching porn, and less than a week later that Dean began to notice his skin mag collection was getting sticky. The crunch finally came when he discovered two pages of his very favorite Busty Asian Beauties magazine were completely and utterly stuck together. Ruined!

Together, he and Sam tried to call Rowena, and when that didn’t work, Dean had Sam summon her into a devil’s trap.

Nonchalantly popping into being, Ruth raised her carefully penciled eyebrows in a way that suggested impatience and tapped her tiny, silk-clad foot. “Well, boys? This is a wee bit bad mannered, wouldn’t you think? I hope you have a really good explanation for your rudeness. What can I do for you?”

Sam flushed. “Sorry, Rowena. It’s that Angus. He’s got to go. I need to know how to get rid of him.”

“Och! You could’ve sent me an email about that,” said the Queen of Hell dismissively and snapped her fingers. “There.” Moments later, Angus came zooming into her presence and hovered happily before her. It was pretty obvious where his (now purple) gaze was, and she blushed a little before telling the Winchester boys to let her out of the trap.

No sooner had Sam erased a portion of the trap to let her escape, she was gone, and Angus with her.

Jack came rushing in. “I’ve lost Angus, and he was going to show me all about...”

“Yeah, we all know what he was going to show you about,” growled Dean. “And you’re grounded.”

_*Overcoming Demonic Kids Who Believe They Rule._


End file.
